Breaking: DA Reopening Investigation Into Death of Radio Star

Breaking News From TKC News Desk.  Metropolitan District Attorney “Thunder” Thuy Burns held a press conference this afternoon announcing that his office was considering whether material evidence was withheld from the defense in the 1979 trial regarding the brutal murder of Radio Star. Speaking to reporters in a pre-recorded four-minute press conference set to REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It,” DA Burns said that the prosecution inadvertently withheld critical evidence that casts doubt on the prosecution’s star witness.

“The case against Mr. Video was entirely based on the testimony of a Mr. Buggles,” stated DA Burns, as he riffed on his air guitar.  “When we were conducting a routine review of our files, we realized that the defense was never told about Mr. Buggles proclivity towards young children.”  In a deposition transcript obtained through secret sources, TKC has learned that Mr. Buggles told investigators “I met your children . . . in an abandoned studio.”  When asked by investigators to describe what happened in these meetings, Mr. Buggles moaned “Oh-a-a-a oh.”  On the basis of this heretofore secret testimony, DA Burns decided to investigate whether any laws were broken and whether their case against Music Video was was as strong as prosecutors originally believed.

In early 1979, Mr. Star was found asphyxiated in his small apartment, having been strangled by a celluloid rope.  Although investigators initially focused their attentions on Casey Kasem, a drifter with known addictions to Scooby Snacks and dedications, the investigation quickly shifted to Mr. Video after Mr. Buggles came forward, prepared to tell a jury that “Video killed the Radio Star.” A jury composed entirely of Beatles-cover-band members believed Mr. Buggles’ testimony and convicted Mr. Video of murder. Judge Daly, after listening to the requests of family, friends, and four million pre-teen callers, sentenced Mr. Video to life in prison to be served at MTV 17.  Judge Daly later commented that he would have preferred to send Mr. Video to MTV 2 or 3, but all of the other prisons were filled with “Real World” and “Cribs” episodes.

When reached for comment, Mr. Video’s attorney, MC Hammer (see his firm’s ad here), stated that he always believed that his client was “legit” and that it was this unyielding belief in his client’s innocence that made it impossible for Mr. Hammer to quit.  Mr. Hammer asserted he was ready for this challenge: “I ain’t no beginner . . . [our legal team is] ready to strike.”

When asked to speculate as to whether he thought Mr. Video would be set free because of these developments, DA Burns could not be reached for comment.  His office stated that the District Attorney was in the hospital in stable condition after seeking treatment for stigmata suffered after bringing a statue of Jesus to life.  TKC News has obtained a video reenactment of the event.

As to the new accusations against Mr. Buggles, his attorney, Michael Jackson, denied the insinuation that either he or his client ever did anything inappropriate with young children.  Mr. Jackson pointed out that DA Burns was wrong in pursuing the paternity action on behalf of a Ms. Billie Jean and insisted that DA Burns will be proven wrong once again.


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How the cookie crumbles

The concept for this blog is pretty simple: I get fortunes, and I then come up with what the next line of the fortune might be. Did you ever play that game where you add "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Think of this like that game, but requiring more effort to achieve something that will never be as funny as "in bed." Despite what the number of fortunes might suggest, I am not 500 lbs. Nor do I reek of moo shu pork. Thus, I don't eat out enough to keep this going for too long. If you have your own fortunes you want to share, send me a picture (along with your own next line) and maybe I'll post it. Hit me up at SoldierFortuna {A.T.} gmail.
September 2008
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Some legal crap (since I am a lawyer)


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