Posts Tagged ‘BrideWars

25
Jan
09

BrideWars: “Luke, I am your father in law”

bridewars

*** WARNING: SPOILER ALERT ***

If you are concerned about ruining the movie, don’t read this blog post!  But be forewarned, the director already ruined the movie.

*** SPOILERS BELOW ***

Plot: This is a movie about two childhood girls, Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Liv (Kate Hudson) who grow up wanting nothing more than to get married at the Plaza Hotel in June.  Not to each other, of course, because that might have made this movie interesting.  So both girls get engaged to their boyfriends within a day of each other, and they both go to Murphy Brown, who has left they dying field of journalism to become a wedding planner.   At first, everything is fine.  But then (at what felt like 4 hours into the movie) Murphy Brown’s secretary screws up and Liv and Emma can no longer have their weddings on different days; they must either share a wedding date or one must give up her dream of having a wedding at the Plaza in June.  So the two women play a game of bridal chicken, hoping the other will surrender her dream.  When neither does, they proceed to try to ruin each others lives.  Some two hours of blue hair and orange skin later, Emma realizes her fiancee is a douche, but not before she tackles Liv in the aisle.  Emma marries Liv’s brother, and they all live happily ever after.  Except for the audience, who wants to die.

What Made It Suck: First and most importantly, Kate Hudson ruined this movie.  The one thing that made me think this movie might be bearable is the fact that I’d get to watch Hudson for two hours.  That was before I realized that she had some kind of liposuction accident.  Her face was monstrously fat; it was like watching Rush Limbaugh’s head on Natalie Portman’s body.

Second, perhaps I was expecting too much, but the plot made no sense.  In theory, the audience should think poorly of Emma’s fiancee and cheer her decision to dump him.  But, in fact there was only one scene in the entire movie where her fiancee seemed like a creep — he said that Liv’s fiancee would never be able to control Liv.  The other attempts to make him seem evil (yawning while he and Emma were shopping and saying that Emma was acting ridiculous by trying to ruin Liv’s life) fell flat, in part because shopping is boring and Emma was acting like a lunatic.

How I’d Improve It: First, I’d replace Kate Hudson with the more attractive Keira Knightley.  Then I’d set the movie in England during the Middle Ages.  And then I’d add in some beheadings and epic battle scenes where Emma and Liv’s fiancee’s fight each other.  In the end, Emma and Liv would both die when the Norman’s invade.  Throw in Dame Judi Dench as a duchess, and this movie would have Oscar written all over it.

Grade: F-.  Your $10.25 is better spent buying stock in the New York Times.

25
Jan
09

New Feature: TKC does Chick Flicks

The other day I went to see a demasculating chick flick: BrideWars (I’ll be posting more on that shortly).  Hold on, while I check to see if my manhood is still intact…  Whew, still there.

Frankly, I can’t offer any particularly good reason why I went to see this atrocious movie.  I think it involved me seeing the preview for the movie and sarcastically muttering out-loud “this looks like a good movie.”  The wife of my roommate of several years then said “ok, we’ll go see it.”  I think she wanted to go because she thought it would be so bad that it would be funny.  At least that’s what I hope she was thinking; God forbid she actually wanted to see this movie for the merits…

Anyway, it was a painful experience, but it was an isolated incident.  Or was it?  Lately I’ve been going on a lot of bad dates.  But one of these times, I’ll go out with a girl who isn’t a total psychopath and whose first words to me aren’t “can I run my hands through your hair?” (True story.)  And when that time comes, it’s almost a certainty that I’ll be dragged to additional movies like BrideWars.

Thus, the thought occurred to me, “how can I make something positive out of my lamentable cinematic fate?” And then I realized that I can offer my own movie reviews of sorts.  So soon I will post my review of BrideWars.  I hope this doesn’t become a regular feature, but if it does, at least something remotely humorous might come of it.




How the cookie crumbles

The concept for this blog is pretty simple: I get fortunes, and I then come up with what the next line of the fortune might be. Did you ever play that game where you add "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Think of this like that game, but requiring more effort to achieve something that will never be as funny as "in bed." Despite what the number of fortunes might suggest, I am not 500 lbs. Nor do I reek of moo shu pork. Thus, I don't eat out enough to keep this going for too long. If you have your own fortunes you want to share, send me a picture (along with your own next line) and maybe I'll post it. Hit me up at SoldierFortuna {A.T.} gmail.
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