Posts Tagged ‘marriage


BrideWars: “Luke, I am your father in law”



If you are concerned about ruining the movie, don’t read this blog post!  But be forewarned, the director already ruined the movie.


Plot: This is a movie about two childhood girls, Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Liv (Kate Hudson) who grow up wanting nothing more than to get married at the Plaza Hotel in June.  Not to each other, of course, because that might have made this movie interesting.  So both girls get engaged to their boyfriends within a day of each other, and they both go to Murphy Brown, who has left they dying field of journalism to become a wedding planner.   At first, everything is fine.  But then (at what felt like 4 hours into the movie) Murphy Brown’s secretary screws up and Liv and Emma can no longer have their weddings on different days; they must either share a wedding date or one must give up her dream of having a wedding at the Plaza in June.  So the two women play a game of bridal chicken, hoping the other will surrender her dream.  When neither does, they proceed to try to ruin each others lives.  Some two hours of blue hair and orange skin later, Emma realizes her fiancee is a douche, but not before she tackles Liv in the aisle.  Emma marries Liv’s brother, and they all live happily ever after.  Except for the audience, who wants to die.

What Made It Suck: First and most importantly, Kate Hudson ruined this movie.  The one thing that made me think this movie might be bearable is the fact that I’d get to watch Hudson for two hours.  That was before I realized that she had some kind of liposuction accident.  Her face was monstrously fat; it was like watching Rush Limbaugh’s head on Natalie Portman’s body.

Second, perhaps I was expecting too much, but the plot made no sense.  In theory, the audience should think poorly of Emma’s fiancee and cheer her decision to dump him.  But, in fact there was only one scene in the entire movie where her fiancee seemed like a creep — he said that Liv’s fiancee would never be able to control Liv.  The other attempts to make him seem evil (yawning while he and Emma were shopping and saying that Emma was acting ridiculous by trying to ruin Liv’s life) fell flat, in part because shopping is boring and Emma was acting like a lunatic.

How I’d Improve It: First, I’d replace Kate Hudson with the more attractive Keira Knightley.  Then I’d set the movie in England during the Middle Ages.  And then I’d add in some beheadings and epic battle scenes where Emma and Liv’s fiancee’s fight each other.  In the end, Emma and Liv would both die when the Norman’s invade.  Throw in Dame Judi Dench as a duchess, and this movie would have Oscar written all over it.

Grade: F-.  Your $10.25 is better spent buying stock in the New York Times.


Breaking news

NYT Makes Amazing DiscoveryThe Gray Lady, that esteemed and revered newspaper, the New York Times, published a tremendously important and transformative article this Sunday. Despite all previous beliefs holding otherwise, the NYTs has discovered (in what must be a devastating blow to gay-marriage advocates everywhere) that gay marriages are not the matrimonial paradises that everyone expected.

This is, of course, shocking news that reveals that gay marriages are sometimes shitty. No one could have predicted that gay marriages would be so unique in this way, falling victim to something that affects only a very small category of non-gay marriages, namely every other relationship on the planet.

Next week the NYT is planning a story on how the children of gay couples behave. Before Sunday’s article, we might have expected the answer to be “exemplary.” But now, with our entire taxonomy in disarray, the answer might turn out to be that the children of gay parents sometimes misbehave. If that proves to be the truth, it seems unlikely that advocates of gay adoption could ever recover from the devastating revelation that their children would turn out so abnormal by acting just like every other child in the world.

How the cookie crumbles

The concept for this blog is pretty simple: I get fortunes, and I then come up with what the next line of the fortune might be. Did you ever play that game where you add "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Think of this like that game, but requiring more effort to achieve something that will never be as funny as "in bed." Despite what the number of fortunes might suggest, I am not 500 lbs. Nor do I reek of moo shu pork. Thus, I don't eat out enough to keep this going for too long. If you have your own fortunes you want to share, send me a picture (along with your own next line) and maybe I'll post it. Hit me up at SoldierFortuna {A.T.} gmail.
July 2018
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Some legal crap (since I am a lawyer)