Archive for the 'musings' Category


Bad Idea?

pineapple building I’ve eaten almost an entire pineapple over a 24 hour period.  Am I going to die from this?  Why don’t these things come with Surgeon General’s warnings?


BrideWars: “Luke, I am your father in law”



If you are concerned about ruining the movie, don’t read this blog post!  But be forewarned, the director already ruined the movie.


Plot: This is a movie about two childhood girls, Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Liv (Kate Hudson) who grow up wanting nothing more than to get married at the Plaza Hotel in June.  Not to each other, of course, because that might have made this movie interesting.  So both girls get engaged to their boyfriends within a day of each other, and they both go to Murphy Brown, who has left they dying field of journalism to become a wedding planner.   At first, everything is fine.  But then (at what felt like 4 hours into the movie) Murphy Brown’s secretary screws up and Liv and Emma can no longer have their weddings on different days; they must either share a wedding date or one must give up her dream of having a wedding at the Plaza in June.  So the two women play a game of bridal chicken, hoping the other will surrender her dream.  When neither does, they proceed to try to ruin each others lives.  Some two hours of blue hair and orange skin later, Emma realizes her fiancee is a douche, but not before she tackles Liv in the aisle.  Emma marries Liv’s brother, and they all live happily ever after.  Except for the audience, who wants to die.

What Made It Suck: First and most importantly, Kate Hudson ruined this movie.  The one thing that made me think this movie might be bearable is the fact that I’d get to watch Hudson for two hours.  That was before I realized that she had some kind of liposuction accident.  Her face was monstrously fat; it was like watching Rush Limbaugh’s head on Natalie Portman’s body.

Second, perhaps I was expecting too much, but the plot made no sense.  In theory, the audience should think poorly of Emma’s fiancee and cheer her decision to dump him.  But, in fact there was only one scene in the entire movie where her fiancee seemed like a creep — he said that Liv’s fiancee would never be able to control Liv.  The other attempts to make him seem evil (yawning while he and Emma were shopping and saying that Emma was acting ridiculous by trying to ruin Liv’s life) fell flat, in part because shopping is boring and Emma was acting like a lunatic.

How I’d Improve It: First, I’d replace Kate Hudson with the more attractive Keira Knightley.  Then I’d set the movie in England during the Middle Ages.  And then I’d add in some beheadings and epic battle scenes where Emma and Liv’s fiancee’s fight each other.  In the end, Emma and Liv would both die when the Norman’s invade.  Throw in Dame Judi Dench as a duchess, and this movie would have Oscar written all over it.

Grade: F-.  Your $10.25 is better spent buying stock in the New York Times.


New Feature: TKC does Chick Flicks

The other day I went to see a demasculating chick flick: BrideWars (I’ll be posting more on that shortly).  Hold on, while I check to see if my manhood is still intact…  Whew, still there.

Frankly, I can’t offer any particularly good reason why I went to see this atrocious movie.  I think it involved me seeing the preview for the movie and sarcastically muttering out-loud “this looks like a good movie.”  The wife of my roommate of several years then said “ok, we’ll go see it.”  I think she wanted to go because she thought it would be so bad that it would be funny.  At least that’s what I hope she was thinking; God forbid she actually wanted to see this movie for the merits…

Anyway, it was a painful experience, but it was an isolated incident.  Or was it?  Lately I’ve been going on a lot of bad dates.  But one of these times, I’ll go out with a girl who isn’t a total psychopath and whose first words to me aren’t “can I run my hands through your hair?” (True story.)  And when that time comes, it’s almost a certainty that I’ll be dragged to additional movies like BrideWars.

Thus, the thought occurred to me, “how can I make something positive out of my lamentable cinematic fate?” And then I realized that I can offer my own movie reviews of sorts.  So soon I will post my review of BrideWars.  I hope this doesn’t become a regular feature, but if it does, at least something remotely humorous might come of it.


Hold the Reindeer: Let’s Postpone Christmas

Rockefeller Christmas TreeWe’re all familiar with the fact that Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year.  The commercials, the decorations, the awesome holiday music in elevators and shopping malls, the special sales… it always starts earlier than the year before.  Last year it started around Halloween.  This year I think I saw the first Christmas commercial sometime in July.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work this year.  With the terrible economy, starting Christmas earlier than ever just couldn’t save this Christmas shopping season.  But perhaps we’ve been thinking in the wrong direction.  If we act quickly, there’s still time to save our retailers: we should postpone Christmas.

I know it’s hard to imagine Christmas on any other date.  But think of the upside!  A few more months of Christmas shopping might be just what the retailers need to pull through this recession.  Is it the retailers fault that our Founding Father’s stupidly put the inauguration after Christmas, depriving retailers of the benefit of the Obama stimulus package?  (How could Alexander Hamilton not have foreseen that a lame duck President would never pass an $850 billion stimulus package?) If Christmas were to come after January 20th, however, then our fellow depressed American citizens might have some fresh government cheese to spend on Tickle-Me-Elmos and PS3’s.  Can one think of a better way to celebrate the birth of The One than by placing a Christmas after the inauguration of The One?

But this is about more than helping retailers.  Between Halloween and the date formerly known as Christmas, people are kinder, houses and storefronts look prettier, and we have something to look forward to through the beginning of winter. And in past years, once the date formerly known as Christmas passed, all we were left with was snow, minimal sunlight, and gifts that you can’t return because you Aunt Matlida didn’t give you the gift receipt.  But we don’t have to be staring down 4 months of empty, cold winter.  Under my plan, we could be eagerly aniticipating 4 or 5 months of listening to “Feliz Navidad” in elevators and looking forward to that warm spring day when we’ll all sit under our trees and unwrap the presents.

We wouldn’t even need to bring our trees indoors because it would be warm enough to stand under a real tree!  How could the environmentalists not love that idea?!?

It won’t be easy.  I know what you’re thinking, “But Christmas is December 25.  It says so on my Cathy comic calendar.  How can we postpone Christmas?”  But in this time of national crisis, I think we must all make sacrifices, including not celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ on the fictional date that was arbitrarily assigned and instead celebrating it on another equally fictional and arbitrary date.

For the good of our country, let’s forget a white Christmas and let’s just keep shopping.


Something I Do Miss

googleLast week I posted about something I don’t miss.  Today I want to offer a counterpoint.

You know what I miss?  The days when people in my generation knew about Google, but older people didn’t.  In that six-month to one-year sweet spot of technology, adults would always be so impressed with our ability to research . . .  until they learned how to Google on their own.  Why did Sergey and Larry have to ruin Google for the rest of us by taking it to the masses?  All it got them was a sweet plane.


Something I don’t miss

dictionaryYou know what I don’t miss?  The word “hegemony.”  In college I heard students and professors alike drop this word at least once per day.  But today I realized that I have not heard anyone say that word since college.  I went to a law school that was no slouch when it came to picking bloviating gasbags as both students and professors, but even they avoided that word.

Thank god.


I get the feeling I’m forgetting something…

WashingtonDCDid I forget to shut the garage door?  No, that can’t be it – I don’t have a garage.  Did I leave the oven on?  Hmm, no.  That’s not it either.  To leave it on, I would have had to turn it on the first place and I’ve never done that… hmm.

Huh… oh wait.  I know, I forgot to blog.  Whoops.

It’s been a busy two months for me.  Let me recount.  I moved from Cleveland to our nation’s capital.  No, the other capitol.  I bought about 400 pieces of IKEA furniture.  I built said 400 pieces of IKEA furniture.  I have been lucky that none of said 400 pieces have broken due to my shoddy building skills.  I drove back to Cleveland.  I worked on voter protection for a presidential campaign.  I watched the Ohio House Democratic Caucus take back the statehouse.  I flew back to DC.  And the next day I started my job with a big law firm.

Between all the politicking and the legalizing and the building of furniture like an average Joe Sixpack, and the whosawhatsits, I just didn’t have time to blog.  But that’s ok, I didn’t want to become a part of the gotcha mainstream media anyway.

But even with the long hours toiling away for my 6-minute-increment slave-drivers, I think I can find time for my one true love: writing on this blog.  Well that’s not really true.  I’d really rather be going out with a hot date, but since all the dates I’ve been on in this city so far have ended up being really, really, really awful, I think maybe I should just stick to the blogging.

So I happily welcome myself back.  Next up: cookies.

How the cookie crumbles

The concept for this blog is pretty simple: I get fortunes, and I then come up with what the next line of the fortune might be. Did you ever play that game where you add "in bed" to the end of the fortune? Think of this like that game, but requiring more effort to achieve something that will never be as funny as "in bed." Despite what the number of fortunes might suggest, I am not 500 lbs. Nor do I reek of moo shu pork. Thus, I don't eat out enough to keep this going for too long. If you have your own fortunes you want to share, send me a picture (along with your own next line) and maybe I'll post it. Hit me up at SoldierFortuna {A.T.} gmail.
July 2018
« Apr    

Some legal crap (since I am a lawyer)