I’ve eaten almost an entire pineapple over a 24 hour period. Am I going to die from this? Why don’t these things come with Surgeon General’s warnings?
Archive for the 'musings' Category
22
Apr
09
Bad Idea?
*** WARNING: SPOILER ALERT ***
If you are concerned about ruining the movie, don’t read this blog post! But be forewarned, the director already ruined the movie.
*** SPOILERS BELOW ***
Plot: This is a movie about two childhood girls, Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Liv (Kate Hudson) who grow up wanting nothing more than to get married at the Plaza Hotel in June. Not to each other, of course, because that might have made this movie interesting. So both girls get engaged to their boyfriends within a day of each other, and they both go to Murphy Brown, who has left they dying field of journalism to become a wedding planner. At first, everything is fine. But then (at what felt like 4 hours into the movie) Murphy Brown’s secretary screws up and Liv and Emma can no longer have their weddings on different days; they must either share a wedding date or one must give up her dream of having a wedding at the Plaza in June. So the two women play a game of bridal chicken, hoping the other will surrender her dream. When neither does, they proceed to try to ruin each others lives. Some two hours of blue hair and orange skin later, Emma realizes her fiancee is a douche, but not before she tackles Liv in the aisle. Emma marries Liv’s brother, and they all live happily ever after. Except for the audience, who wants to die.
What Made It Suck: First and most importantly, Kate Hudson ruined this movie. The one thing that made me think this movie might be bearable is the fact that I’d get to watch Hudson for two hours. That was before I realized that she had some kind of liposuction accident. Her face was monstrously fat; it was like watching Rush Limbaugh’s head on Natalie Portman’s body.
Second, perhaps I was expecting too much, but the plot made no sense. In theory, the audience should think poorly of Emma’s fiancee and cheer her decision to dump him. But, in fact there was only one scene in the entire movie where her fiancee seemed like a creep — he said that Liv’s fiancee would never be able to control Liv. The other attempts to make him seem evil (yawning while he and Emma were shopping and saying that Emma was acting ridiculous by trying to ruin Liv’s life) fell flat, in part because shopping is boring and Emma was acting like a lunatic.
How I’d Improve It: First, I’d replace Kate Hudson with the more attractive Keira Knightley. Then I’d set the movie in England during the Middle Ages. And then I’d add in some beheadings and epic battle scenes where Emma and Liv’s fiancee’s fight each other. In the end, Emma and Liv would both die when the Norman’s invade. Throw in Dame Judi Dench as a duchess, and this movie would have Oscar written all over it.
Grade: F-. Your $10.25 is better spent buying stock in the New York Times.
The other day I went to see a demasculating chick flick: BrideWars (I’ll be posting more on that shortly). Hold on, while I check to see if my manhood is still intact… Whew, still there.
Frankly, I can’t offer any particularly good reason why I went to see this atrocious movie. I think it involved me seeing the preview for the movie and sarcastically muttering out-loud “this looks like a good movie.” The wife of my roommate of several years then said “ok, we’ll go see it.” I think she wanted to go because she thought it would be so bad that it would be funny. At least that’s what I hope she was thinking; God forbid she actually wanted to see this movie for the merits…
Anyway, it was a painful experience, but it was an isolated incident. Or was it? Lately I’ve been going on a lot of bad dates. But one of these times, I’ll go out with a girl who isn’t a total psychopath and whose first words to me aren’t “can I run my hands through your hair?” (True story.) And when that time comes, it’s almost a certainty that I’ll be dragged to additional movies like BrideWars.
Thus, the thought occurred to me, “how can I make something positive out of my lamentable cinematic fate?” And then I realized that I can offer my own movie reviews of sorts. So soon I will post my review of BrideWars. I hope this doesn’t become a regular feature, but if it does, at least something remotely humorous might come of it.
We’re all familiar with the fact that Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year. The commercials, the decorations, the awesome holiday music in elevators and shopping malls, the special sales… it always starts earlier than the year before. Last year it started around Halloween. This year I think I saw the first Christmas commercial sometime in July.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work this year. With the terrible economy, starting Christmas earlier than ever just couldn’t save this Christmas shopping season. But perhaps we’ve been thinking in the wrong direction. If we act quickly, there’s still time to save our retailers: we should postpone Christmas.
I know it’s hard to imagine Christmas on any other date. But think of the upside! A few more months of Christmas shopping might be just what the retailers need to pull through this recession. Is it the retailers fault that our Founding Father’s stupidly put the inauguration after Christmas, depriving retailers of the benefit of the Obama stimulus package? (How could Alexander Hamilton not have foreseen that a lame duck President would never pass an $850 billion stimulus package?) If Christmas were to come after January 20th, however, then our fellow depressed American citizens might have some fresh government cheese to spend on Tickle-Me-Elmos and PS3’s. Can one think of a better way to celebrate the birth of The One than by placing a Christmas after the inauguration of The One?
But this is about more than helping retailers. Between Halloween and the date formerly known as Christmas, people are kinder, houses and storefronts look prettier, and we have something to look forward to through the beginning of winter. And in past years, once the date formerly known as Christmas passed, all we were left with was snow, minimal sunlight, and gifts that you can’t return because you Aunt Matlida didn’t give you the gift receipt. But we don’t have to be staring down 4 months of empty, cold winter. Under my plan, we could be eagerly aniticipating 4 or 5 months of listening to “Feliz Navidad” in elevators and looking forward to that warm spring day when we’ll all sit under our trees and unwrap the presents.
We wouldn’t even need to bring our trees indoors because it would be warm enough to stand under a real tree! How could the environmentalists not love that idea?!?
It won’t be easy. I know what you’re thinking, “But Christmas is December 25. It says so on my Cathy comic calendar. How can we postpone Christmas?” But in this time of national crisis, I think we must all make sacrifices, including not celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ on the fictional date that was arbitrarily assigned and instead celebrating it on another equally fictional and arbitrary date.
For the good of our country, let’s forget a white Christmas and let’s just keep shopping.
16
Dec
08
Something I Do Miss
Last week I posted about something I don’t miss. Today I want to offer a counterpoint.
You know what I miss? The days when people in my generation knew about Google, but older people didn’t. In that six-month to one-year sweet spot of technology, adults would always be so impressed with our ability to research . . . until they learned how to Google on their own. Why did Sergey and Larry have to ruin Google for the rest of us by taking it to the masses? All it got them was a sweet plane.
06
Dec
08
Something I don’t miss
You know what I don’t miss? The word “hegemony.” In college I heard students and professors alike drop this word at least once per day. But today I realized that I have not heard anyone say that word since college. I went to a law school that was no slouch when it came to picking bloviating gasbags as both students and professors, but even they avoided that word.
Thank god.
Did I forget to shut the garage door? No, that can’t be it – I don’t have a garage. Did I leave the oven on? Hmm, no. That’s not it either. To leave it on, I would have had to turn it on the first place and I’ve never done that… hmm.
Huh… oh wait. I know, I forgot to blog. Whoops.
It’s been a busy two months for me. Let me recount. I moved from Cleveland to our nation’s capital. No, the other capitol. I bought about 400 pieces of IKEA furniture. I built said 400 pieces of IKEA furniture. I have been lucky that none of said 400 pieces have broken due to my shoddy building skills. I drove back to Cleveland. I worked on voter protection for a presidential campaign. I watched the Ohio House Democratic Caucus take back the statehouse. I flew back to DC. And the next day I started my job with a big law firm.
Between all the politicking and the legalizing and the building of furniture like an average Joe Sixpack, and the whosawhatsits, I just didn’t have time to blog. But that’s ok, I didn’t want to become a part of the gotcha mainstream media anyway.
But even with the long hours toiling away for my 6-minute-increment slave-drivers, I think I can find time for my one true love: writing on this blog. Well that’s not really true. I’d really rather be going out with a hot date, but since all the dates I’ve been on in this city so far have ended up being really, really, really awful, I think maybe I should just stick to the blogging.
So I happily welcome myself back. Next up: cookies.
Although many people have mocked Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric, I believe that Governor Palin has not been given enough credit for having identified the true cause of the economic crisis.
Read what she said:
PALIN: That’s why I say, I like every American I’m speaking with were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the tax payers looking to bailout.
Do you see her brilliant discovery? The true cause of the economic crisis is the passive voice. Goddamn those unknowable forces that have put us in this illness causing situation!!!!
27
Sep
08
Hope Floats
The other day I linked to a photo that shows Senator John McCain spending his 70th birthday with Raffaello Follieri — con-man extraordinaire — and Follieri’s then-girlfriend Anne Hathaway (Gasp! A celebrity!). Some people, including The Nation, have suggested some kind of “ties” between John McCain and this now-convicted criminal.
Although I support Barack Obama, I am nothing if not fair and impartial. Thus, let me say two things in Senator McCain’s favor on this.
First, to suggest that John McCain would ever knowingly associate with anyone who would take innocent people’s money in order to benefit private overseas interests is simply beyond the pale. The man is an American Hero.
Second, there is a far more innocent and logical explanation for this picture: John McCain simply forgot how many houses he owned and thought he was boarding one of his houseboats. It’s a common mistake. People do it all the time.
Breaking News From TKC News Desk. Metropolitan District Attorney “Thunder” Thuy Burns held a press conference this afternoon announcing that his office was considering whether material evidence was withheld from the defense in the 1979 trial regarding the brutal murder of Radio Star. Speaking to reporters in a pre-recorded four-minute press conference set to REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It,” DA Burns said that the prosecution inadvertently withheld critical evidence that casts doubt on the prosecution’s star witness.
“The case against Mr. Video was entirely based on the testimony of a Mr. Buggles,” stated DA Burns, as he riffed on his air guitar. “When we were conducting a routine review of our files, we realized that the defense was never told about Mr. Buggles proclivity towards young children.” In a deposition transcript obtained through secret sources, TKC has learned that Mr. Buggles told investigators “I met your children . . . in an abandoned studio.” When asked by investigators to describe what happened in these meetings, Mr. Buggles moaned “Oh-a-a-a oh.” On the basis of this heretofore secret testimony, DA Burns decided to investigate whether any laws were broken and whether their case against Music Video was was as strong as prosecutors originally believed.
In early 1979, Mr. Star was found asphyxiated in his small apartment, having been strangled by a celluloid rope. Although investigators initially focused their attentions on Casey Kasem, a drifter with known addictions to Scooby Snacks and dedications, the investigation quickly shifted to Mr. Video after Mr. Buggles came forward, prepared to tell a jury that “Video killed the Radio Star.” A jury composed entirely of Beatles-cover-band members believed Mr. Buggles’ testimony and convicted Mr. Video of murder. Judge Daly, after listening to the requests of family, friends, and four million pre-teen callers, sentenced Mr. Video to life in prison to be served at MTV 17. Judge Daly later commented that he would have preferred to send Mr. Video to MTV 2 or 3, but all of the other prisons were filled with “Real World” and “Cribs” episodes.
When reached for comment, Mr. Video’s attorney, MC Hammer (see his firm’s ad here), stated that he always believed that his client was “legit” and that it was this unyielding belief in his client’s innocence that made it impossible for Mr. Hammer to quit. Mr. Hammer asserted he was ready for this challenge: “I ain’t no beginner . . . [our legal team is] ready to strike.”
When asked to speculate as to whether he thought Mr. Video would be set free because of these developments, DA Burns could not be reached for comment. His office stated that the District Attorney was in the hospital in stable condition after seeking treatment for stigmata suffered after bringing a statue of Jesus to life. TKC News has obtained a video reenactment of the event.
As to the new accusations against Mr. Buggles, his attorney, Michael Jackson, denied the insinuation that either he or his client ever did anything inappropriate with young children. Mr. Jackson pointed out that DA Burns was wrong in pursuing the paternity action on behalf of a Ms. Billie Jean and insisted that DA Burns will be proven wrong once again.
The Kooky Cookie 